How to Answer This Tough Adoption Question from Your Child (2024)

Every adopted child is curious about his or her adoption story — and, hopefully, it’s one you tell often and have told since the day you brought them home. But as your child’s understanding of adoption develops, he or she may start asking more complex questions.

For many adoptive parents, the biggest one is: Why was I placed for adoption? It’s a challenging question that can come in many forms: “Why did my birth parents give me up? Why didn’t they keep me? Did they not love me?”

Knowing how to respond isn’t always easy, which is why we’ve put together a few strategies you can use when this question inevitably comes up:

1. Use positive adoption language.

The words you use to talk about your child’s adoption story matter. It’s important to always use positive adoption language when talking to your child, and this can be an opportunity to reinforce that. If your child believes that he or she was “given up” for adoption, it can lead to feelings of shame and rejection.

If your child asks why they were “given up” or “given away,” address their phrasing. Let them know that they weren’t given up at all, and that their birth parents made an adoption plan because they loved them and felt that was the best option at the time.

2. Answer honestly.

Whenever your child has adoption questions, it’s important to answer them honestly. Don’t create a fictional story about your child’s birth parents or adoption story to avoid answering the tough questions. If your child asks a question you don’t have the answer to, it’s okay to say “I don’t know.” Giving an honest answer is always preferable to making up a false one.

Fortunately, however, it’s actually pretty easy to give an honest answer when your child asks why he or she was placed for adoption: It’s because their birth parents loved them and wanted to give them every possible opportunity in life.

You can explain that certain life circumstances led to your child’s birth parents making an adoption plan. The details you give your child will depend on their age and level of understanding (see number three), but for young children, it’s best to keep it simple. You might say something like, “Your birth parents were dealing with grown-up issues and weren’t ready to take care of a baby. But, they loved you very much and wanted you to have a happy life, so they made a plan to place you with our family.”

3. Keep it age-appropriate.

Explaining the circumstances that led to your child’s adoption might be difficult if certain issues are involved, such as addiction, homelessness or an unhealthy or even abusive relationship between the birth parents. But your child has the right to know his or her full story, difficult details and all. So, when should you start revealing the more challenging aspects of your child’s adoption story?

The way you talk about adoption with your child will evolve as he or she gets older. Every child matures at a different pace, so it’s important to gauge your child’s individual understanding and emotional readiness before explaining the more challenging parts of his or her adoption. Your adoption specialist or a professional counselor can help you make a plan for explaining these difficult details when the time is right.

4. Talk to their birth family if possible.

If you have an open adoption, and if you think it is appropriate in your situation, consider reaching out to your child’s birth mother to ask if she would be comfortable talking to your child about her adoption decision herself.

She may have details that you don’t have, and for many children, it can be incredibly helpful to get the answers they’re looking for directly from the source. She can reassure your child that her adoption decision was a difficult one made out of unconditional love.

5. Be reassuring.

Above all else, it’s important to reassure your child that he or she is loved unconditionally — both by you and by his or her birth parents. Treat adoption as something positive and special, and your child will pick up on your attitude. Being open, honest and optimistic about the adoption decision your child’s birth parents made will in turn encourage your child to feel more confident and proud of his or her adoption story.

How to Answer This Tough Adoption Question from Your Child (2024)

FAQs

How to Answer This Tough Adoption Question from Your Child? ›

Include how you know the person you are writing the reference letter for and how long you have known them. If you have witnessed the individual or couple's involvement with children, either your children or others, tell how they interact and what qualities they have that would make them good parents.

How do you answer adoption reference questions? ›

Include how you know the person you are writing the reference letter for and how long you have known them. If you have witnessed the individual or couple's involvement with children, either your children or others, tell how they interact and what qualities they have that would make them good parents.

What are 3 typical worries of adoptive parents? ›

Adopted parents may feel a loss because they had certain expectations coming into adoption that are not being met. They may also be grieving losses due to infertility or be facing issues within their extended family that led to adopting a relative's child. Struggling with attachment is also common.

How to answer why you want to adopt? ›

Why Adopt? 23 Reasons to Adopt a Child
  1. #1 Due to infertility, some couples cannot have a biological child. ...
  2. #2 Some women are facing medical conditions that make it dangerous to carry a pregnancy. ...
  3. #3 They don't want to pass down genetic disorders or diseases. ...
  4. #4 They are a single parent and want to start a family.

What are some examples of tough questions? ›

Tough questions are those that we sometimes ask ourselves, or someone else, that seem, at least for awhile, not to have an answer. We might ask, "How will I ever get over this?" when we hear that a loved one has died or we might ask, "What should I do?" when we have a difficult choice to make.

How to answer adoption questions? ›

If your child asks why they were “given up” or “given away,” address their phrasing. Let them know that they weren't given up at all, and that their birth parents made an adoption plan because they loved them and felt that was the best option at the time.

What is an example of an adoption reference? ›

Sample Adoption Reference Letter

I first met John and Diane when we were in college, and we have been friends ever since. We live in the same community and are both involved with our neighborhood parks committee where we have worked together to keep our parks safe and clean for the children in our neighborhood.

What do they look for in adoptive parents? ›

If an adoptive parent's values align with the birth mothers', it sets the precedent for open communication going forward. Birth moms want to know that the family they choose will raise their child with appropriate morals. This includes: religion, family values, dependability, honor, etc.

What are the 7 core issues of adoption? ›

As we walk through the 7 Core Issues of Adoption, I encourage you to acknowledge that adoption affects everyone involved in their own unique way.
  • Loss. ...
  • Rejection. ...
  • Shame/Guilt. ...
  • Grief. ...
  • Identity. ...
  • Intimacy. ...
  • Mastery & Control.

What is the hardest thing about adoption? ›

Here are some common issues faced by adoptive families, as well as some strategies for parents to help their children cope.
  1. Grief, separation and loss. ...
  2. Self-esteem and identity. ...
  3. Attachment issues, school challenges and other mental health challenges. ...
  4. Managing post-adoption issues.

What do adopted kids struggle with? ›

Children who are adopted may have behavioral issues such as violent tantrums and/or sensory self-stimulation in times of either stress or excitement, oppositional behaviors, aggression, depression and anxiety.

Do you get to pick what kid you want to adopt? ›

If you pursue adoption, you do not get to choose the baby. A birth mother will always be able to choose the family for her baby. Although you do not choose what baby you adopt, you can specify what you are looking for in an adoption. We will find you an adoption opportunity that fits your wants and needs.

What motivates you to adopt? ›

Ten Reasons to Adopt
  • You are longing to give a child a family. ...
  • You desire to help a child start a new life. ...
  • You can provide for a child in every way. ...
  • You feel prepared to handle the hardships. ...
  • Overcome infertility. ...
  • You are concerned about the risks of pregnancy. ...
  • To avoid passing down genetic disorders.

Why did you choose adoption? ›

Some common reasons to choose adoption include: The adoptive couple has struggled with infertility and cannot safely carry a child on their own to term. The adoptive parent is single and is ready to start a family. The adoptive parents are a same-sex couple who want to raise a child together.

How do you answer difficult exam questions? ›

Break the question into smaller parts. Sometimes long questions are hard to keep up with. Read slowly, sentence by sentence, and make sure you understand each part rather than focusing on the question as a whole. It may help to cover part of the stem or some of the options with your hand so you can focus better.

How do you talk to difficult topics with kids? ›

Here are some tips to help you plan for difficult conversations:
  1. Tell your child sad or scary news yourself if you can, or ask someone who knows your child well to talk to your child. ...
  2. If there's time to plan ahead, choose a time when you're both relaxed. ...
  3. Be honest. ...
  4. Let your child know that they can ask you questions.
Apr 15, 2022

How do you solve a difficult question? ›

Here are a few strategies for dealing with hard problems, and the frustration that comes with them:
  1. Do something. Yeah, the problem is hard. ...
  2. Simplify the problem. Try smaller numbers and special cases. ...
  3. Reflect on successes. ...
  4. Focus on what you haven't used yet. ...
  5. Work backwards. ...
  6. Ask for help. ...
  7. Start early. ...
  8. Take a break.

Why does my child struggle to answer questions? ›

Many children confuse the vocabulary (who/what/when/where) surrounding questions answering with the wrong information such as “where did you play today?” “I played with Maddie” (a who response).

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